Love is for Life: Pastoral Letter of the Irish Bishops
PART IV Marriage and the Family in Society and in the Church


(22.) MARRIAGE IN THE CHRISTIAN COMMUNITY

(22.1) Existing Services for Marriage and the Family
233. Marriage and the family have a special place in the community which is the Church. In the document, Familiaris Consortio, resulting from the discussions at the Synod of Bishops, Pope John Paul said:

The future of the world and the Church passes through the family (no. 75).

The future of humanity passes by way of the family (no. 86).

I feel that I must ask for a particular effort in this field from the sons and daughters of the Church. . . They must show the family special love. This is an injunction that calls for concrete action. Loving the family means identifying the dangers and the evils that menace it, in order to overcome them. Loving the family means endeavouring to create for it an e nvi r on ment favourable for its development. The modern Christian family is often tempted to be discouraged and is distressed at the growth of its difficulties; it is an eminent form of love to give it back its reasons for confidence in itself, in the riches that it possesses by nature and grace, and in the mission that God has entrusted to it (no. 86).

We must all of us in the Church in Ireland examine our consciences as to how we are facing up to this urgent call from the Pope and from the Synod.

234. It is true that much is already being done under the auspices of the Church in the family apostolate. The Catholic Marriage Advisory Council has seen a quite remarkable expansion in the last twenty years, in terms of centres and services, of personnel and of professionalism in all aspects of marriage counselling, pre-marriage preparation, education for relationships, natural family planning. The number of centres has doubled in ten years, from 30 in 1975 to over 60 now, dotted all over the thirty-two counties. The diverse services of CMAC are staffed by nearly 2000 personnel. These give their services completely voluntarily; but they pass through a thorough system of professional training in counselling and other relevant skills, a system which includes very careful selection, thorough initial training, in-service re-training, etc. Between 1975 and 1982, 416,150 persons availed of the various services provided by CMAC. It is reckoned that 40 per cent of couples intending marriage now avail of CMAC pre-marriage course. Premises and facilities for the centres are usually provided by the diocese in which they are located . More than 70 per cent of the funding for CMAC comes from Church sources, and ultimately from the generosity of the Catholic people, who are the sole source of Church revenues; 20 per cent comes from the State, both in the Republic and in Northern Ireland. A small proportion of the funding comes from clients. CMAC is by itself an impressive sign of the concern of the Church in Ireland for marriage and its problems.

235. CURA was set up by the Bishops in 1977 as a telephone information service and referral agency for girls distressed by an unintended pregnancy. CURA also has expanded rapidly since its establishment. There are now 10 confidential telephone centres across the country, North and South; and these deal with more than 6500 calls annually. The centres provide all relevant advice for callers, and put them in touch with counselling services, or with agencies caring for expectant mothers or providing accommodation for mothers following pregnancy. A pregnancy testing service is also offered. Many girls have thus been caringly helped through their difficult experience, and have been saved from the still more harrowing experience of abortion and post abortion guilt. CURA is wholly Church-funded.

236. There are many organisations working all over Ireland to promote the spirituality of marriage and the family. The enthusiasm and dedication of these various groups is beyond praise. Usually they are composed of couples who have themselves been so blessed with the joy they receive from living their marriage in Christ and in the Church that they cannot rest until they have shared this joy with others.

237. There is also a great network of Church-related services for families, for single parents, for unmarried mothers and their babies, for teenagers, for battered wives, and for families in all kinds of need, material and spiritual. There are so many of these services that it would be impossible and invidious to attempt a list. Indeed, such services are so ubiquitous and so familiar that sometimes they escape notice, and their devoted workers, nearly all of them voluntary, receive insufficient recognition and gratitude. Lay men and women constitute by far the greatest number of those involved in these various forms of family care. We wish to assure them of our admiration and our gratitude for their work. We do not forget either the large number of men and women who are working in the many excellent inter-denominational or secular associations or groups for the care of the family, the defence of unborn life, the welfare of single parents and their children, assistance to victims of rape, wife-battering, child-battering and child abuse, etc. We salute also the many persons who are working in the field of statutory health and social welfare services, bringing their Christian faith and love into their dedicated professional work. In a country like Ireland, with its tradition of voluntary caring service, there should be close cooperation between statutory and voluntary services. Pastorally ‹and even economically ‹ the voluntary principle in caring services is of inestimable value.

238. Many services in the family care field were founded by religious communities of men and women, and continue to be maintained by them. Their activity is often hidden from the public eye, but their work and their prayer are a great enrichment of the whole community. A welcome new development is that of Parish Sisters, who are bringing the love of Christ and of the poor, which are the basic inspiration of all apostolic religious communities, out into the streets and into the homes of those in greatest need, spiritually or materially. Contemplative religious, through their prayer and their poverty and penance, are a powerful hidden source of strength to marriages and families. So also are the many unknown men and women living contemplative lives in the midst of the world, leavening society with the spirit of the Gospel.

(22.2) New Services Needed
239. There are still wide gaps in family services. There are many needs to be met, many problems not yet thoroughly tackled. This Pastoral Letter is intended to give a new impetus to all members of the Church to intensify their efforts in all areas of pastoral care of marriage and the family. We Bishops must admit that some previous pastoral letters which we have issued have not received the sustained practical follow-up which was desired. This must not be so in the case of the present Pastoral Letter. Familiaris Consortio declared:

The pastoral intervention of the Church in support of the family is a matter of urgency (no. 65).

The same document urges Episcopal Conferences to prepare a national Directory for the Pastoral Care of the Family (no. 66). Pastoral action in support of marriage and the family is needed at the level of the Church nationally, at the level of the diocese, and at the level of the parish. There are examples already in existence of Diocesan Institutes for the Family. These can stimulate action at parish level, they can elaborate pastoral and educational programmes, exchange information, and offer training facilities. Many parishes already have Parish Family Welfare Centres which do excellent work, particularly with deprived or problem families. It is regrettable that we do not have in the Catholic Church an organisation similar to the Mothers' Union and corresponding organisations, which have a long and distinguished history in other Christian communions. There is need for courses in "parenting" and for meetings of parents to discuss together the problems which arise at different stages of children's development.

240. There must be more Church resources and more personnel, more research and more expertise assigned to the care of marriage and the family in its manifold aspects. The emphasis must be on helping families to help themselves and to help one another. Familiaris Consortio urges family-to family mutual support, saying:

This assistance from family to family will constitute one of the simplest, most effective and most accessible means for transmitting from one to another those Christian values which are both a starting point and the goal of all pastoral care (no. 69).

In particular, the document calls for help to be given to young married couples from couples longer married, who should share with the newlyweds "their own experience of life, as well as the gifts of faith and grace" (no. 69).

(22.3) Priests and the Pastoral Care of Marriage
241. Seminary formation for the priesthood, and ongoing theological and pastoral education for priests, must give an important place to preparing priests to deal understandingly and to cope effectively with the preparation of couples for marriage, with the problems of married couples and families, and the difficulties leading to marriage breakdown. Priestly visitation of homes has always been given a high place in Irish pastoral tradition. It is more important today than ever. There is a special need for pastoral visitation of newly married couples, particularly in the newer housing estates, and of couples with young families. These couples often have difficulties to contend with in the early days of marriage and parenthood. Early detection of warning signs of trouble in young marriages is a very important part of any pastoral programme for averting marital breakdown. Couples who find tensions developing must be urged to seek help at a very early stage. On the occasion of pastoral visits, the priest should pray with the couple and the children, and should encourage family prayer.

242. In pastoral practice, much attention must be paid to preparation for marriage, both in the form of longer-term education in relationships and in the form of pre-marriage courses. Familiaris Consortio speaks beautifully of the preparati on for marriage as a "journey of faith", and likens it to a "catechumenate". It urges that this preparation should begin in youth and should grow until the time of marriage, and indeed continue throughout married life. The document says:

The religious formation of young people should be integrated, at the right moment and in accordance with the various concrete requirements, with a preparation for life as a couple. This preparation will present marriage as an inter-personal relationship of a man and a woman that has to be continually developed. . . (no. 66).

243. It is essential that the sacramental and spiritual aspects of married life be highlighted in pre marriage courses. A pre-marriage course could be well adapted to prepare people for marriage as a secular reality, and yet offer little help to couples in seeing their marriage as a great sacrament, a source of divine life and grace, a means of sanctification for each of them and of mutual sanctification for the couple, a privileged call to a special place in the mystery of the Church and a special role in the Church's mission.

244. Referring to the immediate preparation for marriage, Familiaris Consortio says:

This preparation is not only necessary in every case, but is also more urgently needed for engaged couples that still manifest shortcomings or difficulties in Christian doctrine and practice (no. 66).

The fact that, according to estimates, 40 per cent of Catholic married couples now attend a pre marriage course is indeed an important achievement. However, we must be still more concerned about the 60 per cent who do not. Continued persuasion and concerted effort are needed until attendance at pre-marriage courses becomes virtually universal. There should be uniformity in pastoral practice between parishes and dioceses in respect of the requirement of pre-marriage courses. Couples will, however, respond better to persuasion in the context of friendly pastoral dialogue than to a legalistic approach. Blank refusal to attend a pre-marriage course will be rarely encountered; but if it happens it could be an indication of inadequate preparedness for marriage. Familiaris Consortio strongly stresses "the necessity and obligation" of immediate pre-marriage preparation, while saying that its omission is not absolutely an impediment to the celebration of marriage.

245. Canon Law requires that, before the celebration of a marriage, the priest must conduct a prenuptial inquiry, in order to establish the couple's freedom to marry, their maturity of consent, their adequate understanding of marriage as a human relationship and as a Christian sacrament. The Irish Bishops last year, following extensive consultation among diocesan Councils of Priests and the clergy in general, as well as among laity, issued a revised Pre-Nuptial Inquiry Form. This revised form brings the Inquiry more into line with the pastoral realities of marriage in today's world. The completion of this Inquiry is now a pastoral exercise, not just a legal requirement. It is for this reason that three months prior notice of marriage is now obligatory in every Irish diocese. This notice is necessary in order to provide the minimum time needed for the pre-marriage meetings between the priest and the couple which are required for the proper conducting of the pre-nuptial inquiry, and thereby for the spiritual and liturgical preparation demanded by the great sacrament of marriage. The prior notice is also intended to give time for the pre marriage course, which any responsible couple will themselves desire to have before undertaking the solemn and sacred lifelong obligations of marriage.

246. The immediate preparation for marriage includes careful preparation for the liturgical celebration of marriage, the choice of appropriate readings from the Word of God and help in assimilating the meaning of God's word for the couple, and the choice of suitable liturgical music. It will also include spiritual preparation of the couple, by prayer and by reception of the sacrament of reconciliation. The priest will remember that the celebration of the liturgy of marriage is also an education in faith for the couple and for all those present. It is a privileged occasion for this education in faith, all the more so as people may be present who are not practising their faith and who therefore are rarely put in contact with God's saving word and grace. The whole experience of preparation for marriage and participation in its celebration is often the occasion of a new discovery of Christ and his Church by the couple themselves and by others. There is need also for special liturgical celebrations for married couples, as for example on the occasion of wedding anniversaries, jubilees etc; and these should include the renewal of marriage vows. The Church's esteem for marriage and the family should be shown by the involvement of couples as couples and of families as families in parish liturgies.

247. The meetings between the couple and the priest on the occasion of the preparation for and the celebration of marriage are a privileged pastoral occasion. For some couples it may be one of their rare opportunities for a personal meeting with a priest. The impression they carry away can be decisive for their future attitudes to the Church. Indeed the experience is an experience of the Church for the couple. Among all their memories of the marriage, the couple's meetings with the priest should remain among the happiest. In this, as in so many other ways, the Church will be judged by men and women today by the "human face" she presents to the world, or rather by the way she reflects to the world the human face of Christ.

248. Special pastoral care and sensitivity are needed in the preparation of couples for mixed marriages. Familiaris Consortio calls attention to the "contribution which (mixed marriage) couples can make to the ecumenical movement". It urges "cordial cooperation between the Catholic and the non-Catholic ministers from the time that preparations begin for the marriage and the wedding ceremony" (no. 78). Our Directory on Mixed Marriages, issued in 1983, with the accompanying guide for a Catholic preparing for a mixed marriage, stresses the need for special pastoral care of couples before a mixed marriage and during their married life. It urges cooperation in this between the ministers of both the Churches involved. The Directory also suggests that there should be in each diocese a priest or priests designated to specialise in mixed marriage counselling. Many dioceses have already named priests for this purpose. They can establish contact with the clergy who have been specially named for the same purpose by the authorities of the other Churches. All this can help to make what has often been a source of inter-Church acrimony into a more positive factor of ecumenical understanding.

(22.4) Church Annulments
249. Sometimes a marriage relationship proves unlivable, in spite of all efforts at reconciliation. In such situations, the Church is ready in charity to examine whether there could be circumstances which might have prevented the marriage from ever having been a valid marriage. The Church has always maintained Matrimonial Tribunals, which examine petitions for annulment; that is to say requests for consideration of certain circumstances, antecedent to the marriage itself, which point towards the conclusion that the marriage was null and void from the beginning. Annulment is never the dissolving of a marriage which was once valid. It is always and only a question of a declaration, following rigorous investigation, that a valid marriage never existed. This could arise because at the time of marriage one or other partner suffered from a condition of impotence, or was underage, or lacked the minimum of insight into the true nature of the marriage relationship, or lacked the minimum psychological maturity or discretion required for entering into a marriage relationship. It could arise if one or other partner was mentally unstable. It could arise if one or other partner was being put under pressure or fear, sufficiently strong to impair their freedom of decision. Marriage entered into in circumstances like these would obviously lack an essential element, without which there could not be a true marriage contract. It must be emphasised that the conditions in question must be proved to have been antecedent to the marriage. Events and experiences subsequent to the marriage are relevant only if they can be shown to point to defects which were already present at the time of marriage.

250. The Church has kept reviewing its jurisprudence and its procedures so as to keep them up to date with modern advances in knowledge, especially in the psychological and human sciences, and so as to enable it to cope with the new situations facing marriage in today's world. The Church in Ireland has put heavy commitments of resources and personnel into its Marriage Tribunals, which have been completely reorganised over recent years. These must be seen as part of the Church's ministry of compassion. Yet, in exercising this compassion, the Church is faithful also to her ministry of truth. Before declaring a purported marriage to be null, the Church must have proof that, at the time of its celebration, the conditions for its validity did not exist. Putting it more positively, the Church is concerned to safeguard the essential conditions for validity of marriage. Recognition of nullity is part of the defence of marriage. The exercise, therefore, can in no way be compared with divorce, whereby the State purports to dissolve a valid marriage.

251. The statistics of annulment indicate the scrupulous care with which Church Marriage Tribunals exercise their responsibility. In 1976, 79 annulments were granted in the thirty-two counties of Ireland; in 1977, 104 were granted; in 1978, 91; in 1979,75; in 1980, 76; in 1981,73; in 1982, 83- and in 1983, 94. In a majority of cases, a "vetitum" is imposed, that is, a prima facie prohibition on remarriage for one or other partner. This prohibition can be removed only if further rigorous investigation shows that the applicant is now truly capable of marriage. Annulments granted by Church Marriage Tribunals are not recognised by the civil law, although in some cases, of course, the vitiating element will also afford a basis for an annulment by the civil court. It is sometimes suggested by proponents of divorce that divorce would be the appropriate and obvious way to deal with this situation. But divorce is neither necessary nor desirable as an answer to these problems. One must not alter the legal definition of all marriages in order to cater for the problems arising from that very small number of marriages which are found not to have been valid marriages at all, but which do not, for some reason, fall within the grounds for nullity at civil law.

252 There is, of course, provision for nullity also through the civil courts. In most jurisdictions, however, the process of civil nullity was almost totally superseded by divorce. In general, in modern times, very little recourse was made to the civil process of nullity. As a consequence, civil jurisprudence, unlike ecclesiastical jurisprudence, had not the opportunity of developing in line with modern advances in psychology and psychiatry. More recently, the civil courts are beginning to refine the legal principles relating to such grounds for nullity as mental incapacity and duress. There seems to be substance in suggestions now being made for updating certain aspects of the civil law in respect of nullity and rendering it more humane. For example, it seems harsh that, under the present law, the courts have no power to award maintenance orders after a marriage has been declared void. What must be strongly resisted, however, would be any conception or practice of civil nullity as an alternative to divorce, as it were a form of divorce "by the back door". The concepts of nullity and of divorce are totally distinct, and there must be no blurring of the distinction.

253. There are exceptional cases in which the Catholic Church claims the power to dissolve a valid marriage . In the very rare case where a marriage has been validly entered into but was never consummated, the Catholic Church declares herself authorised by God to dissolve the bond of marriage in certain circumstances. This does not detract from the principle that "what God has united, no man can put asunder"- no human authority, no State, no civil law, no ecclesiastical law, can dissolve a valid, sacramental, consummated marriage. In the case of non-consummation, something is lacking of the fullness of union between the couple as "two in one flesh", as this is envisaged by Holy Scripture. The Catholic Church teaches that such unconsummated marriages can in certain conditions be dissolved by the Pope, with power received from God . In 1982, 15 such marriages were dissolved in Ireland.

254. In the early Church, St Paul was confronted with situations of unbaptised couples, one of whom sought baptism and became a Christian. He permitted the Christian to remain in such a union provided there was no danger to his or her Christian faith. If, however, there were such danger, he permitted the Christian spouse to leave the non-Christian partner and to marry a Christian. (cf. I Corinthians 17:12-16). This later gave rise to the term "Pauline Privilege". The teaching of the Catholic Church is that such marriages of nonChristians can be dissolved by a new marriage of the convert with a Christian, that is to say, "in favour of the faith of the party who received baptism" (cf. Code of Canon Law, can 1143). Such marriages of nonChristians are obviously non-sacramental. When one partner in a marriage is baptised and the other is non Christian, the Catholic Church teaches that the Pope can, in certain conditions, by authority received from God, dispense from this non-sacramental marriage "in favour of the faith", or by "the privilege of the faith". In 1982 seven such marriage dispensations were granted in Ireland. In both the situations described above, the marriage in question is non-sacramental. The Church's teaching never deviates from the principle that no power on earth, ecclesiastical or civil, can dissolve a sacramental consummated marriage. As the Code of Canon Law states:

A marriage which is ratified and consummated cannot be dissolved by any human power or by any cause other than death (can. 1141).

255. All of these situations reflect the deep concern of the Church for the sanctity of marriage. They reflect also the Church's unswerving commitment to the principle that no State law and no Church law can dissolve a sacramental, consummated marriage. As the Vatican Council said:

The intimate partnership of life and love which constitutes the married state has been established by the Creator and endowed by him with its own proper laws. . . It is an institution confirmed by the divine law. . .; for the good of the partners, of the children, and of society this sacred bond no longer depends on human decision alone. For God himself is the author of marriage. . . (Gaudium et Spes, no. 48, in the Flannery translation).

(22.5) The Church's Compassion in Difficult Cases
256. Married couples and families, even without fault on their part, and perhaps through circumstances beyond their control, can sometimes find themselves in intolerable suffering. Some alas are drawn into irregular situations. In these situations, the Church must, of course, firmly but gently maintain her doctrine and discipline, for these are entrusted to her by God, and they are in any case necessary protections of human love and human happiness. Nevertheless, the Church continues to extend her compassion to all persons and couples, whatever the difficulties or the wrongfulness of their situation. The example of Christ, the Good Shepherd, always ready to go by preference towards the erring and the rejected, must be the Church's model.

257. There are many pressures in modern society which lead to an increase in civil unions and in unions without any form of marriage. When Catholics unfortunately enter such irregular unions, they still remain in the Church's care and must not be allowed to feel rejected from her love. Pastoral care of such couples is difficult and delicate. Pastoral visits by priests may not be welcomed. The Christian community must pray for these couples and their families and take every opportunity of showing kindness towards them. Christian families who are themselves living their marriages joyfully in the Church can touch them by example and by love. Many such couples have never really experienced Christ and his Church as love. Love is our only way to win them back: a love which is like Christ's love, a love which is "always patient and kind, . . . takes no pleasure in other people's sins but delights in the truth; is always ready to excuse, to trust, to hope. . . " (cf . 1 Corinthians 13:14-16).

258. Some whose marriages have broken down and who have deserted their married partners or become separated from them have subsequently contracted irregular unions. They too must not be abandoned. They too must be shown that the Church cares. Above all, the Church must show them that God cares. Familiaris Consortio says:

They should be encouraged to listen to the Word of God, to attend the Sacrifice of the Mass, to persevere in prayer, to contribute to works of charity and to community efforts in favour of justice, to bring up their children in the Christian faith, to cultivate the spirit and practice of penance and thus implore, day by day, God's grace. Let the Church pray for them, encourage them and show herself a merciful mother, and thus sustain them in faith and hope (no. 84).

259. These couples cannot share in the Eucharist; because their lives are objectively in contradiction with the mystery of Christ's communion in love with his Church, a communion which is expressed in the sacrament of the Eucharist and in the sacrament of marriage. A couple who are not by the sacrament of marriage one flesh in the Body of Christ which is the Church, cannot be one in the Body of Christ which is the Eucharist. Familiaris Consortio, however, declares:

With firm confidence (the Church) believes that those who have rejected the Lord's command and are still living in this state will be able to obtain from God the grace of conversion and salvation, provided that they have persevered in prayer, in penance and in charity (no. 84).

(22.6) Marriage and the Family in the life of the Church
260. When people speak of getting married "in church", they often miss the full meaning of the phrase they are using. One might even fear that sometimes a couple decide to get married in church because it would please their parents, or because it is more impressive and solemn, or even because it is more fashionable. Marriage in church, however, is not just a ceremony taking place in a church building. It is rather a marriage which is part of the mystery of the Church itself; indeed it is marriage which reproduces in itself the mystery of the Church. The home which results from marriage is the Church itself "written small", the Church in miniature. The Vatican Council, in its great Dogmatic Constitution on the Church, Lumen Gentium, said:

The family is, so to speak, the domestic Church (no. 29).

Pope Paul IV in his document on Evangelisation, said that this beautiful name of "domestic Church", means that:

There should be found in every Christian family the various aspects of the entire Church. Furthermore, the family, like the Church, ought to be a place where the Gospel is transmitted and from which the Gospel radiates.

In a family which is conscious of this mission, all the members evangelise and are evangelised. The parents not only communicate the Gospel to their children, but from their children they can themselves receive the same Gospel as deeply lived by them.

And such a family becomes the evangeliser of many other families, and of the neighbourhood of which it forms part (Evangelii Nuntiandi, no. 71).

261. Familiaris Consortio speaks of the role of parents as educators in faith as being "really and truly a 'ministry' of the Church at the service of the building up of her members". Following St Thomas Aquinas, the document compares this "great and splendid educational ministry of Christian parents" with the ministry of priests; for parents too bring their children up "to worship God" (no. 38). In our Pastoral Letter, Handing on the Faith in the Home, published on St Patrick's Day, 1980, we stressed that parents had the primary responsibility for bringing up their children in the faith. We said:

Parents remain and always will remain the first and the most important teachers of the faith to their children. No teacher, no religion programme, no priest even, will ever replace the parents in that task, or will ever make up fully for their neglect. No priest can dispense parents from their obligations; because the obligation comes from God (no. 6).

Sad experience the whole world over shows that Catholic schools on their own, just cannot and will not make children good young Catholics. Unless there is religion in the home, even the most perfect school religion programme will be a total failure (no. 7).

262. The family itself must keep growing in faith in order to hand on the faith to the next generation. The family itself must be evangelised in order to evangelise. There are few more urgent needs in the Church today than that of permanent religious education, so that individuals and couples and families and parishes may constantly keep growing in faith and in the assimilation into their lives of God's Word. Only a mature and adult faith can hope to confront the challenges posed to faith by the explosion of new secular knowledge and the ceaseless religious and moral questioning and debate of modern times. Family reading of the Bible is becoming more common, and it must be strongly encouraged. Groups of families are coming together for the reading of Scripture and for praying on God's Word, and reflecting together on how to live that Word in their daily family lives. The family rosary can be an excellent means of 'praying the Scripture', especially if short Gospel readings related to each mystery are read.

263. Nothing so unites a married couple and their children into a true family as prayer in the home. In the 1980 Pastoral Letter to which we referred above, we remarked:

Unless there is prayer in the home even the beautiful forms of school prayer will be dropped when school days are over (no. 7).

Parents, the most essential part of teaching religion to your children is to teach them to pray. You will teach them to pray not by telling them to pray, (but) by praying with them (no. 14).

264. It has been consistently noted by priests and lay persons working in the pastoral care of marriage that marriages where there is faith and prayer in the home are less prone to breakdown than others. Weakness of religious faith and neglect of prayer are often found in association with marital problems. It must not, however, be assumed that faith and prayer alone will ensure successful marriages and happy homes. There must also be genuine determination to work at the marriage relationship, in all its human and emotional dimensions. Indeed, the authenticity of faith and the genuineness of prayer will be tested by the degree to which it is translated into love, communication, sensitivity and forgiveness between the married partners themselves and between the parents and the children.

(22.7) Sexuality and Holiness
265. Some married couples do not fully succeed in integrating their sexual life into their understanding of marriage as a sacrament. They may see the sexual side of marriage as something apart from, if not indeed somewhat foreign to, their prayer and their holiness. But sacramental marriage is precisely a sexual as well as a spiritual union. It is spiritual, not in spite of being sexual, but also in and through its sexual expression. Sexuality in marriage is "graceful", in the fullest meaning of that lovely word. God in the beginning gave man and woman to one another as His gift, a gift meant for love, for companionship, for joy, for song, indeed for sexual delight. He commands them to come together bodily, for a loving and fruitful union closer than that between parent and child. Fruitfulness in marriage is not only the birth of children; it is also the fruitfulness of the couple's growth in love and in holiness and grace. Sexual union in marriage is, to use a rich old English term, "godly". Sexual union fosters love, and love is from God; it creates life, and at the same time gives new life to the love of the couple, and God is the author of all life; it bestows healing, and healing is a sign of the Kingdom. Sexual union in marriage should express "love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, trustfulness, gentleness and self-control"; and these qualities correspond with what St Paul enumerates as gifts of the Spirit (cf. Galatians 5:22).

266. Each partner should be sensitive to the sexual feelings of the other and should seek through sexual union to give, rather than to receive. Each sexual act should be a true act of love. Pope Paul VI said in Humanae Vitae that

a conjugal act imposed upon one's partner without regard for his or her condition and lawful desires is not a true act of love (no. 13).

Sexual love is a joyful celebration by a couple of their union with one another; but it is also, at the same time, the celebration of their union in Christ and their union with Christ. Celebration and liturgy are closely linked. The celebration of the Sacrament of Marriage which took place on the couple's wedding day in church can in a real sense be said to continue in the whole sexual aspect of their married life. Consequently the author of the Letter to the Hebrews speaks of the nuptial bed as chaste and irreproachable (cf . Hebrews 14:4). Sexual union can be a call to prayer, to praise of God, to thanksgiving. Pope John Paul does not hesitate to say that "the language of the body becomes the language of the liturgy" . The sexual parts of the body are sacred. They border on the mysteries of life and our first origin and our eternal destiny and on the mystery of love as our highest calling. This is why they need to be treated with respect and reverence. This is the reason for modesty. It is not because the sexual parts of the body are shameful that we protect them from indecent exposure, but precisely because they are sacred.

(22.8) Being the Church
267. The vocation of married couples in the Church follows directly from the special sacrament they have received. Called by holy matrimony to love one another as Christ loves his Church, they are called to be a particular embodiment in their two-in-oneness of what the Church is as a family gathered into one from all the nations of the earth. They are called to be a church within the Church, to be 'a little church' within the universal Church. A married couple, by their way of loving, are saying silently to the world: "This is what God's love means: this is how Christ loves the world". The Christ-love which makes the Church be Church, the love which the Church herself is, is given a human face through Christian married people. Familiaris Consortio says:
Thanks to love within the family, the Church can and ought to take on a more homelike or family dimension, developing a more human and fraternal style of relationships.
This is why the Vatican Council called the family "a school of deeper humanity" (Gaudium et Spes. no. 52).

268. At every point of their lives, the married couple will look to Christ's love for the Church as the model for their own love, and will receive from Christ the power to love as he loves. They take to themselves as the very heart of their marriage the words of the Lord:

Love one another;

just as I have loved you,
you also must love one another (John 13:34).
The union of married people with one another in Christ and in the Church is at the same time their union with the Father in Christ and with Christ in the Father. Their union is the Father's response to Christ's prayer for them:

Father, may they be one in us,

as you are in me and I am in you,
so that the world may believe it was you who sent me ...

With me in them and you in me,

may they be so completely one

that the world will realise that it was you who sent me

and that I have loved them as much as you loved me. (John 17:21, 23).
Married people will hear St Paul saying to them:

Husbands should love their wives just as Christ loved the Church

and sacrificed himself for her to make her holy....
In the same way, husbands must love their wives as they love their own bodies;
for a man to love his wife is for him to love himself (Ephesians 5:25-28).
A married couple will listen to St John saying to them:
This is what taught us what love means,

that he has given up his life for us;

and we, too, ought to give up our lives for our brothers. (1 John 3: 16).

269. The married couple are the great teachers of love in a world where love has grown cold. They witness to the need for and to the possibility of reconciliation in the lives of men and women. They should love the Sacrament of Reconciliation and receive it often as a special element in their marriage spirituality. Their marriage gives them a special relationship to the Eucharist, that great primordial sacrament of Christ's oneness in love with his people. In the Eucharist, Christ offers himself to the Father for his people:

This is my body which will be given up for you.

This is the cup of my blood,

the blood of the new and everlasting covenant.
It will be shed for you and for all men
so that sins may be forgiven.
At the moment of holy communion, the priest or eucharistic minister holds the Body of Christ before the communicant and says: "The Body of Christ". The communicant answers: "Amen". This means "Yes""Yes, I believe it. Yes, I accept it. Yes, I accept the gift of your love and I return it to you . I give you my body as you have given your Body to me" . A married couple find in all this a very special added meaning. Each gives his or her body to the other in love. Each accepts the gift of the other's love and returns it to the married partner. Communion by the couple in the Eucharist is extended into every aspect of their communion of life together.

270. The married couple are called, to use words from St Paul, to "grow in all ways into Christ" by living "by the truth and in love" (cf. Ephesians 4: 15-16). Pope John Paul defines "the integral significance of the sacramental sign of marriage" in these words:

In that sign‹through the "language of the body'‹man and woman encounter the great "mystery" in order to transfer the light of that mystery‹the light of truth and beauty, expressed in liturgical language‹ to the "language of the body", that is, to the language of the practice of love, of fidelity, of conjugal honesty.... In this way, conjugal life becomes in a certain sense liturgical. In fact, the man and woman, living in the marriage "until death", repropose uninterruptedly, in a certain sense, that sign that they made‹ through the liturgy of the sacrament on their wedding day.

Growth in holiness for the married couple as for everyone else, can only be through untiring effort, repeated failures, continued seeking for forgiveness from God and sharing of forgiveness with one another. Pope John Paul speaks of "a continual return (through the Sacraments of Confession and the Eucharist), a permanent conversion to the truth of conjugal love."

271. A married couple, by bringing children into the world and then bringing them to the Font for baptism and rearing them in the faith are leading new disciples to Christ and building up his Body on earth. By growing in love themselves, married couples are sharing in the redemption of the world. By their life-long growing together into unity, they contribute to the bringing of all things together under Christ as head, and are stamped with the seal of the Holy Spirit of the promise (cf. Ephesians 1:10, 13). Married people are building up"the total Christ" until he comes in glory. They respond in a special way to the call of St Paul:

The saints together make a unity in the work of service, building up the Body of Christ. In this way, we are all to come to unity in our faith and in our knowledge of the Son of God, until we become the perfect Man, fully mature with the fullness of Christ himself (Ephesians 4: 12-13).

272. Marriage is a time for growing, spiritually, emotionally, intellectually, culturally. We must grow more fully human, as we grow into Christ; for"the glory of God", as St Irenaeus put it,"is the human being fully alive". Some have come to feel that marriage stunts personal growth. This must be shown not to be true. There must be all-round growth of each partner as a person, as well as of the couple. It was undoubtedly the wives who had less opportunity in the past for this growth, since women had less opportunities for cultural and intellectual self-improvement. They should now be encouraged and facilitated in availing of the many opportunities for this purpose which now exist. Couples also had too little opportunity for recreating or simply relaxing together. The availability of creches, pre-school play groups,"baby-sitting" services, is a great need of today and can be a real form of Christian service to the family.

(22.9) Single Persons and Widows
273. Great though the vocation of married people in the Church is it must not be forgotten that each person has a special vocation from God, on the faithful living of which depends his or her holiness and salvation. Single persons can, as the Vatican Council puts it,"make a great contribution towards holiness and apostolic endeavour in the Church" (Lumen Gentium, no. 4). Unfortunately, the place and vocation of single persons in the Church are not always given sufficient recognition in preaching and in pastoral planning and practice. Persons who forego marriage to care for ageing parents or for a handicapped brother or sister present an example of generous and unselfish love which often borders upon the heroic. Widows need special care and support from pastors and from the Christian community. The Church encourages those associations which assist widows through their grief and loneliness. Widowhood"accepted courageously from God as a continuation of the marriage vocation", has an honoured place in the Church and should be esteemed by all (cf. Gaudium et Spes, no. 48; Lumen Gentium no. 40). Widows are uniquely placed to"offer others, in their sorrows, the consolation that they have themselves received from God" (cf. 2 Corinthians 1:4). They can, as St Paul says,"give themselves up to God" and enrich the Church by their prayer and their charity. (cf. 1 Timothy 5:3-5)

(22.10) Pope John Paul's call to Irish Families
274. We make our own, at the conclusion of this Pastoral Letter, the call which Pope John Paul addressed to Irish families in Limerick, on 1 October 1979:

To all I say, revere and protect your family and your family life, for the family is the primary field of Christian action for the Irish laity, the place where your"royal priesthood" is chiefly exercised. The Christian family has been in the past Ireland's greatest spiritual resource. Modern conditions and social changes have created new patterns and new difficulties for family life and for Christian marriage. l want to say to you: do not be discouraged, do not follow the trends where a close-knit family is seen as outdated; the Christian family is more important for the Church and for society today than ever before.

It is true that the stability and sanctity of marriage are being threatened by new ideas and by the aspirations of some. Divorce, for whatever reason it is introduced, inevitably becomes easier and easier to obtain and it gradually comes to be accepted as a normal part of life. The very possibility of divorce in the sphere of civil law makes stable and permanent marriages more difficult for everyone. May Ireland always continue to give witness before the modern world to her traditional commitment, corresponding to the true dignity of man, to the sanctity and the indissolubility of the marriage bond. May the Irish always support marriage through personal commitment and through positive social and legal action.

Above all, hold high the esteem for the wonderful dignity and grace of the sacrament of marriage.... Married people must believe in the power of the sacrament to make them holy; they must believe in their vocation to witness through their marriage to the power of Christ's love.

(22.11) The Eternal Wedding Feast
275. It was at a wedding feast, at Cana in Galilee, at the prayer of his Mother, that Our Lord first"let his glory be seen" (cf. John 2:11). The final manifestation of God's glory, at the Second Coming of Christ, is also presented in the New Testament in terms of a wedding feast. This is the description we find in the Apocalypse:

The reign of the Lord our God Almighty has begun; let us be glad and joyful and give praise to God, because this is the time for the marriage of the lamb...."Happy are those who are invited to the wedding feast of the Lamb" (Apocalypse 19:7-9).

Then I saw a new heaven and a new earth; the first heaven and the first earth had disappeared now, and there was no longer any sea. I saw the Holy City, and the new Jerusalem, coming down from God out of heaven, as beautiful as a bride all dressed for her husband.... Then I heard a loud voice call from the throne: . . ."He will wipe away all tears from their eyes; there will be no more death, and no more mourning or sadness, the world of the past has gone" (Apocalypse 21:2-4).

276. Married couples who have been faithful"ministers of love" to one another and to their family in the Church and before the world will surely have a privileged place at that eternal wedding feast. They have witnessed to love; and, as the liturgy of marriage puts it:

Love is man's origin,

love is his constant calling,
love is his fulfilment in heaven.
Married couples have kept faith with love. They have given testimony to God's faithfulness. They have shown that "in a world of broken promises, God alone is faithful". By fidelity to the marriage covenant they celebrated in Christ and in the Church, they have witnessed before the world to the truth that God is

the faithful God, who is true to His covenant and His graciousness for a thousand generations towards those who love Him and keep His commandments" (Deuteronomy 7:9).

To all married couples, therefore, we now extend our greeting and our blessing in the words of St Paul:

We wish you happiness; try to grow perfect; help one another. Be united; live in peace, and the God of love and peace will be with you (Corinthians 13:11).

May the God of peace make you perfect and holy; and may you all be kept safe and blameless, spirit, soul and body, for the coming of Our Lord Jesus Christ. God has called you and he will not fail you (1 Thessalonians 5:23).

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Net publishing courtesy of the Newman Center at Caltech

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