Love is for Life: Pastoral Letter of the Irish Bishops
PART III Marriage: Its Graces and Its Stresses
(17.) MARRIAGE IN CONTEMPORARY SOCIETY
149. Marriage and the family are of fundamental importance for the Church
and for society. They are put under unprecedented pressures at the present
time. For most of 2,000 years, Western society accepted that marriage was
to one person forever. Even the very understanding of marriage is being
threatened today in many countries by the growing occurrence of breakdown
in marriage and by the spread of divorce, which most countries have adopted
as a response to marriage breakdown.
150. The causes of stress and breakdown in marriage are many and complex.
Rapid social change always brings with it some weakening of traditional
values and of moral and religious convictions. Social change has been occurring
in Ireland in recent decades with a speed never before experienced. When
people's style of life has been stable and sheltered, they have difficulty
in adjusting to radical and rapid change. One aspect of change has been
increased industrialisation, accompanied by movement of population away
from rural areas into cities and towns. Here people lack the support of
a closely-knit community with shared values. City life is more private and
individual and often lacks a true sense of community. In the city itself,
the dispersal of long established inner-city communities has broken up the
extended family. Young couples in the suburban estates or newly arrived
from the country, are separated from their parents and grandparents and
can experience isolation and loneliness. Grandparents in the past had an
important role in handing on faith and prayer and moral values to their
grandchildren. Today's children have less opportunity than formerly to benefit
from the influence of grandparents. Industrial mobility causes people to
change jobs or addresses more easily, moving from country to town or city
in search of jobs, or even having to go overseas to find work. New environments
and new scales of values and new life-styles are encountered. Values can
become destabilised. The sense of permanence is weakened. Lifelong commitment
in every sphere of life is weakened. This influences attitudes to lifelong
marriage as well.
151. Modern Western culture lays emphasis on the individual rather than
on community or institution. The stress is on individual fulfilment and
on everyone's personal right to freedom and to happiness. The rights of
children and even the institution of marriage can come to be seen as restrictions
on the individual's freedom and fulfilment. People nowadays have higher
expectations from life and especially from marriage . They expect more from
marriage than formerly, both in terms of personal and emotional and sexual
satisfaction and in terms of material well-being. High expectations can
often cause deep disappointment and frustration. New styles of relationship
between the sexes have developed. Women have much more social freedom and
more job openings and career opportunities than formerly. The equality of
women and men is recognised to a greater extent. Many married women are
nowadays more economically independent of their husbands than formerly,
whether through personal earnings or through social security. All this calls,
however, for adjustment in the traditional roles of husband and wife. When
this adjustment does not take place, tension and conflict can result.
152. The feminist movement is having an important impact on the context
in which contemporary marriage has to be lived. This is one of the most
significant movements in our time. In the phrase used by the Vatican Council,
it must be seen as one of the "signs of the times" which the Church
must read in our age. Indeed, the equality of the sexes is basic Christian
teaching. Feminism can be said to have received its first charter from St
Paul when he said:
- There are no more distinctions between . . . male and female,
but all of you are one in Christ Jesus (Galatians 3:278).
St Paul rejected the double standard in marriage by the words:
- The wife has no right over her own body; it is the husband who has
them. In the same way, the husband has no right over his body; the wife
has them. (1 Corinthians 7:5).
One of the important challenges facing the Church today is to develop a
truly Christian contemporary feminism; and in the Church this task must
fall primarily on women themselves, filled with love of Christ and anxious
to play their full part in the life of the Church. They will find inspiration
from the figure of Mary, Mother of the Lord, blessed among women. As Pope
Paul VI said, in Marialis Cultus in 1974:
- The picture of the Blessed Virgin presented in a certain type of devotional
literature cannot easily be reconciled with today's life style, especially
with the way women live today. In the home, woman's equality and co-responsibility
with man in the running of the family are being justly recognized by laws
and the evolution of customs. In the sphere of politics women have in many
countries gained a position in public life equal to that of men. In the
social field women are at work in a whole range of different employments,
getting further away every day from the restricted surroundings of the home.
In the cultural field new possibilities are opening up for women in scientific
research and intellectual activities. (no. 34)
The figure of Mary, however, has lost none of its relevance in today's world.
As Pope John Paul went on to say:
- The modern woman will note with pleasant surprise that Mary of Nazareth,
while completely devoted to the will of God, was far from being a timidly
submissive woman or one whose piety was repellent to others; on the contrary,
she as a woman who did not hesitate to proclaim that God vindicates the
humble and the oppressed, and removes the powerful people of this world
from their privileged positions (cf Lk 1:51-53). The modern woman
will recognize in Mary, who "stands out among the poor and humble of
the Lord", a woman of strength, who experienced poverty and suffering,
flight and exile. (cf. Mt 2:13-23)
153. A Christian feminism will share many of the values and the struggles
of the world-wide feminist movement. But it will judge them by the standards
of the Gospel and reject what is contrary to the Gospel. The feminist movement
in general is a challenge for the Church, and also an opportunity. It has
important implications for women's experience in marriage. Happy and successful
marriages will in future have to take increasing cognisance of the new feminine
consciousness which has developed, and will have to adjust to its rights
and needs. Husbands must be prepared to take their full share of household
duties and of the care of children. Above all, the couple will have to relate
to each other as equal partners, sharing a satisfying relationship with
one another. The aspect of satisfactory interpersonal relationship in marriage
becomes increasingly important; and each partner must take responsibility
for building this relationship. It must be remembered, however that there
can be no authentic or enduring love without constant effort and readiness
for sacrifice by both partners.
154. Rapid social change affects the attitude of the generations to each
other. The older generation and the younger have had very different life
experiences. A generation gap can develop, even between parents and children.
When a very large proportion of the population is young, as in Ireland,
a strong youth culture develops, which defines itself in distinction from
the values of its parents' generation. Also, people in Ireland marry much
younger than formerly, indeed, many marry in their teens. Statistics from
almost every country show that the risk of marriage breakdown is greater
the younger the age at marriage of the couple. When one or both partners
are under twenty, the risk increases. It is greater in cases where marriage
is entered into following a very short courtship or in the presence of a
pregnancy. In the teenage years, emotional development is still going on.
This is a transitional stage in life, when a young person is still struggling
to find who he or she is. Until they feel more secure about their own identity,
young people can have added difficulty in forming stable and permanent relationships.
There is a consequent danger that some who marry very young can, after some
time together, each have the experience of being a different person and
finding the partner a different person than at the time of marriage.
155. The pressures on marriage are particularly potent in the earliest years
of marriage, and these earliest years are the critical years for the future
of a marriage. By far the greatest number of marriage breakdowns occur either
in the first five years, or as a delayed result of difficulties arising
in those years. While, in the general population of Britain, one in four
marriages breaks down, in the younger age group the figure is one in three.
The first and the second years of marriage are statistically, in fact, the
years when the marriage is most vulnerable. It is unfortunate that young
couples sometimes do not seek aid with their marriage difficulties in time,
before the tensions become too intractable.
156. Crises in marriage are not, of course, inevitable in the early years
of marriage. Neither are they confined to those years. People on average
live longer nowadays . Modern married couples will generally be facing a
longer period of life together. Nowadays, children tend to be born in the
earlier years of marriage, and will frequently have left home while the
parents are still quite young. People retire from work at an earlier age
than formerly. For these reasons, the couple can expect to be spending many
of their married years in one another's company, without the presence of
children. These factors create a new challenge for marriage, at a time when
the "crisis of middle age" may already have brought about strains
in the relationship.
157. Economic and social conditions also create stresses for marriage. The
supply of housing for newly-weds never meets the demand. Newly married couples
are sometimes obliged to live with their in-laws; and this increases the
strain for couples, who need privacy and peace to adjust to each other.
In deprived areas there is still a scandalous amount of sub-standard accommodation.
There is exploitation by some landlords in the area of flat-letting. For
those who secure accommodation, the payment of rents or mortgages is a recurrent
burden and problem. Inflation, high prices and the heavy burden of taxation
combine to create constant financial worry. Unemployment is a demoralising
experience, for men and also for women. Its impact on domestic peace and
on marriage can be extremely severe. Indeed, unemployment is among the greatest
sources of marital stress at the present time. All forms of social deprivation
create strains for marriage. Marriages suffer also when couples are unable
to manage the family budget or are lacking in basic housekeeping skills.
158. A particular cause of marriage difficulties in Ireland has been the
sad necessity which drove men, often young married men, out of Ireland to
find work. This social misfortune is beginning to plague our country once
more, both North and South. The stresses and the temptations of prolonged
separation have disastrous consequences for many marriages. The prolonged
imprisonment of many young men as a result of violence, especially in Northern
Ireland, also puts marriages under grave strain.
159. A feature common to many problems in marriage is lack of communication
between the partners. The transition from the joy and affection and mutual
concern of courtship to the realities of marriage can sometimes be traumatic.
Some men and women come to feel that marriage is a "trap", into
which they were led by the romantic expectations of the courtship, but from
which afterwards they long to "escape". After marriage, some men
seem to see no further need for showing signs of affection or tenderness,
no need for conversation or sharing. In some homes, words are rarely exchanged
except in anger, in nagging or in demand. Sometimes the main, if not the
sole communication between married couples is through their children. When
the children leave home, the couple live in chilly, or perhaps frosty, silence.
Some wives are made to feel as though the husband's only interest in them
is for sexual satisfaction. They can feel taken for granted, unappreciated
and neglected. Even within marriage, sex can be separated from love, in
the sense that sexual intercourse can be demanded and performed without
sensitivity to the feelings of the other partner.
160. Men can be heedless of the emotional needs of their wives, and wives
similarly insensitive to the emotional needs of their husbands. Husbands
and wives often do not try hard enough to understand one another's psychology
and to make their marriage a truly loving relationship of persons, where
sex is an expression of and a climax to a continuing exchange of sharing
in communication, in attitudes and in interests. Some married people revert
to the habits of single life, spending most of their time with their friends
outside the home. This applies to women as well as to men; for women too
can neglect their husbands and their home for the sake of their "social
life". Work, for either husband or wife, can also be made an escape
from marriage responsibilities and from home life. It can be made a substitute
for love. Husbands can think they are good husbands because they work hard
and make good financial provision for their wives and children . Yet they
may be depriving them of something they need even more than money, namely,
love, affection and time. Women, equally, can feel that working, whether
outside the home or within it, is a complete discharge of their duties to
their families and their home. The phenomenon of "latch-key" children
is a sad reality of our time.
161. Abuse of alcohol is a cause of much strain in marriage and much misery
in homes . Excessive drinking wastes housekeeping money; it keeps spouses
away from home; it is often associated with quarrelling between husband
and wife and with wife-beating or child-battering. Violence in the home,
often associated with drinking, is an all too common scourge.When sexual
relations are sought or demanded by one partner in a state of intoxication,
this makes the experience distasteful and degrading for the other partner.
Excess in gambling is another source of marital stress. So is extravagance
or bad budgeting or bad household management on the part of one partner
or the other.
162. Infidelity on the part of husband or wife is the gravest blow to the
happiness of a marriage. It should be not too readily assumed that it is
an unhappy marriage which drives a person to seek sexual love elsewhere.
Temptations and opportunities abound in modern society. The secular culture
around us can make an adulterous relationship seem glamorous and even fashionable.
Sex in that culture is often seen as a means of escape from boredom and
routine. Sex outside marriage can come to be seen as a source of excitement
or simply as 'a new experience'. It can even be seen as being 'modern',
'emancipated', 'liberal', a proof of male conquest or of feminine attractiveness.
163. Some of these reasons, together with their experience of unhappy or
broken marriages among their friends or in their parents' generation, may
help to explain why some young people now choose to "live together"
without marriage. This is also a result of the trend towards secularism
in society. Modern culture is self-centred rather than God-centred. More
than ever, the Christian has to make a deliberate resolution to follow Christ,
and has to work hard at his or her faith and prayer and Christian life-style.
Specifically, he or she has to have greater determination and make greater
effort to hold on to Christ's understanding of marriage, and not just drift
with the secular current. The Christian community today must be more concerned
than ever to help its members to grow in their faith; for only an adult,
mature and prayerful faith is adequate to meet the challenges of the modern
secular world.
164. This is the negative side of marriage and family life in Ireland today.
It is a worrying picture. Nevertheless, it must not lead us to forget that
the great majority of Irish marriages and families are happy, stable and
loving, true schools of love for the next generation. Each of the problems
and stresses of modern marriage can be seen as opportunity, and not just
as difficulty. If the couple realistically face the challenges, determined
to work harder at their marriage and their relationship, and relying on
the grace of the sacrament, their marriage can be more beautiful and satisfying
and Christ-filled than ever. There are very many Irish couples now who work
hard at living their marriage in its Christian and human fullness. The number
of good and happy marriages in Ireland today far outweighs the number of
problem marriages . A happy Christian marriage is a powerful witness to
Christ in our world. We praise God for the very many Irish couples who give
that witness and we thank those couples themselves for enriching the Church
and society by their love.
Net publishing courtesy of the Newman Center at Caltech
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