Love is for Life: Pastoral Letter of the Irish Bishops
PART I: God's Plan For Love
(2.) SEX IS A LANGUAGE OF LOVE
7. A valuable insight into the meaning of sexual love comes from looking
at sex as a means of communication, as a kind of language. We all know the
importance of communication. We communicate with words; but we communicate
also with our bodies . We say things without words, by our gestures; and
sometimes gestures speak louder than words and say things better than words
can say them. There are many ways of expressing love by bodily language:
a warm handshake, an embrace, holding hands, a mother nursing her child,
a father putting his body in danger to protect his child - all these
are ways of saying, "I love you", by bodily language. All forms
and expressions of love between husband and wife are forms of sexual love;
but sexual union or genital love is a particularly intense manifestation
of sexual love.
8. In many languages terms used for sexual relations are identical with
the terms used for knowing and communicating. The usual term in the Bible
for sexual union is the verb "to know". We speak of "conceiving"
an idea, and we also speak of "conceiving" a baby. An older term
for sexual union was the term "conversation" . We still speak
of sexual "intercourse".
9. Sexual union says, "I love you", in a very profound way.
By sexual union, a man and woman say to each other: "I love you. There
is nobody else in all the world l love in the way I love you. I love you
just for being you. l want you to become even more wonderful than you are.
I want to share my life and my world with you. l want you to share your
life and your world with me. I want us to build a new life together, a future
together, which will be our future . l need you. I can't live without you.
I need you to love me, and to love me not just now but always. I will be
faithful to you not just now but always. I will never let you down or walk
out on you. I will never put anyone else in place of you. I will stay with
you through thick and through thin. I will be responsible for you and I
want you to be responsible for me, for us, no matter what happens".
10. Sexual union of its own deep nature is a way of saying all of these
things, and it is felt to be true only if it says all of these things and
means what it is saying. If one of the partners does not really mean what
his sexual action is saying, then he or she is speaking an untruth and is
deceiving the other. The body is "saying" one thing, while the
mind is meaning another. There is deception when one partner does not intend
to be faithful or is not in fact faithful to the other; for these words
cannot be honestly and truthfully spoken to more partners than one. There
is untruth when one or both partners intend the relationship to be casual
or to be temporary; for the sexual union in itself speaks a love which is
exclusive and forever. If either or both of the partners knows that the
other is not meaning what the sexual action is saying, the sexual union
in itself is experienced as superficial and deceitful. It does not give
what it promises. It does not mean what it says. It unites bodies but leaves
minds and lives separate, divided and alone.
11. We have not yet spelled out all that sexual union says. Sexual union
speaks of a man's willingness or readiness to "give" a child to
a woman as hers, and of a woman's readiness to bear or "have"
a child "with him" . It speaks of a man and a woman's readiness
to openness to share their being in a child which will be "their child",
the expression of their love, the bond of their shared life. It speaks of
a man's and a woman's desire to "begin a new life together", both
in the form of their child and in the form of their shared life around that
child. It is not just the structure of the male and female bodies which
says this; but also the deep feelings of the male and female personalities.
Many psychologists today agree that teenage pregnancies often reflect the
yearnings of young people to give meaning to their lives by an enduring
love. Pregnancy can reflect a deep need for love, love of a partner, love
of a baby. At one level, a girl may believe she never intended or wanted
to become pregnant; while, at a deeper level, she did want to "hold
on" to her partner and make sure of his love and lay claim to an enduring
share in his life by having his child.
12. The two meanings of sexual union blend into each other. An act of sexual
union which truly and honestly expresses total and life-long and exclusive
union between a man and woman is also an act which is open to new life in
a child. If the act is deliberately prevented from being open to new life,
this can only be by the introduction of some barrier or separation into
the life-giving act. But deliberately to introduce separation into an act
which intends and says total union is a failure in truth.
13. There are other dimensions of meaning in the language of sexual
union which are related to these basic meanings. Sexual union can express
forgiveness, reconciliation, sorrow for selfishness, healing of hurts; it
can convey consolation and reassurance; it speaks of a couple's thankfulness
for each other, their peaceful contentment with each other; it gives renewed
assurance of being wanted and offers the security of being loved. It carries
the promise of seeing life through together with each other.
14. Sexual union is only one part of the total language of sexuality.
Man and woman are sexual beings through and through. Their masculinity or
femininity affects all of their modes of being and the whole of their relationships
with one another. Sexual union should be a special moment in a whole conversation
of love between husband and wife. This conversation is carried on by words,
by letters, by signs and by silences. It is also carried on by acts of thoughtfulness,
attentiveness, remembrance and concern. It includes gestures of tenderness
and affection. Above all, it includes real commitment to sharing life together
"for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in
health". In the context of such continuing loving conversation, sexual
union is a deep and powerful expression of the two-in-oneness of two lives,
and itself develops and deepens that two-in-oneness. Sexual union without
this context is flawed by doubt and uncertainty. It carries a lie at its
heart.
Net publishing courtesy of the Newman Center at Caltech
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