| Longing
(unabridged)
from The Fiery Cross
Copyright
© 2001 Diana Gabaldon, The Fiery Cross.
All rights reserved.
Diana
provided this excerpt as a comparison of the unabridged and abridged audio tapes
of her books. This is the original text/unabridged audiobook script that will
be read for the audio tapes. [Please note, the title Longing For Home,
is the title I have given it, not what Diana called it.--Rosana]
But the longing
for home was strong: my spacious hearth, with its huge cauldron and its roasting-jack,
the light-filled peace of my surgery, with the fragrant bunches of nettle and
dried lavender overhead, dusty gold in the afternoon sun. My feather-bed, soft
and clean, linen sheets smelling of rosemary and yarrow. I closed my
eyes for a moment, summoning up a wistful vision of this haven of delight, then
opened them to reality: a crusted girdle, black with the remnants of scorched
oatcake, soggy shoes and frozen feet, damp clothes that chafed with grit and sand,
hampers whose abundance had dwindled to a single loaf of bread-- well-nibbled
by mice--ten apples and a heel of cheese; three screeching babies, one frazzled
young mother with sore breasts and cracked nipples, one expectant bride with a
case of incipient nerves, one white-faced serving-maid with menstrual cramps,
four slightly inebriated Scotsmen--and one Frenchman in similar condition--who
wandered in and out of camp like bears and were not going to be any help whatever
in packing up this evening...and a deep, clenching ache in my lower belly that
gave me the unwelcome news that my own monthly--which had grown thankfully much
less frequent than monthly of late--had decided to keep Lizzies company.
I gritted my teeth, plucked a cold, damp clout off a clump of brush,
and made my way duck-footed down the trail toward the womens privy-trench,
thighs pressed together. The first thing to greet me on my return was
the hot stink of scorching metal. I said something very expressive in French--a
useful bit of phraseology acquired at the Hopital des Anges, where strong language
was often the best medical tool available. Marsalis mouth fell
open. Germain looked at me in admiration and repeated the expression, correctly
and with a beautiful Parisian accent. Sorry, I said, looking
to Marsali in apology. Someones let the tea-kettle boil dry.
Nay matter, Mother Claire, she said with a sigh, juggling
little Joanie, whod started to scream again. Its no worse than
the things his father teaches him a-purpose. Is there a dry cloth?
I was already hunting urgently for a pot-lifter with which to grasp the wire handle,
but nothing came to hand save soggy diapers and damp stockings. Kettles were hard
to come by, though, and I wasnt sacrificing this one. I wrapped my hand
in a fold of my skirt, seized the handle, and jerked the kettle away from the
flames. The heat shot through the damp cloth like a bolt of lightning, and I dropped
it. Merde! said Germain, in happy echo.
Yes, quite, I said, sucking a blistered thumb. The kettle hissed and
smoked in the wet leaves, and I kicked at it, rolling it off onto a patch of gravel.
Merde, merde, merde, merde, sang Germain, with a
fair approximation of the tune of Rose, Rose,--a manifestation of
precocious musical feeling that went lamentably unappreciated in the circumstances.
Do hush, child, I said. He didnt. Jemmy
began to screech in unison with Joan, Lizzie--who had had a relapse owing to the
reluctant departure of Private Ogilvie--began to moan under her bush, and it started
in to hail, small white pellets of ice dancing on the ground and pinging sharply
off my scalp. I pulled the soggy mobcap off a branch and clapped it on my head,
feeling like an extremely put-upon toad beneath a particularly homely mushroom.
All it wanted was warts, I thought. The hail was short-lived. As the
rush and clattering lessened, though, the crunching noise of muddy boots came
up the path. Jamie, with Father Kenneth in tow, crusted hail on their hair and
shoulders. Ive brought the good Father for tea, he
said, beaming round the clearing. No, you havent,
I said, rather ominously. And if he thought Id forgotten about Stephen Bonnet,
he was wrong about that, too. Turning at the sound of my voice, he jerked
in an exaggeration of startled shock at sight of me in my mobcap. Is
that you, Sassenach? he asked in mock alarm, pretending to lean forward
and peek under the drooping frill of my cap. Owing to the presence of the priest,
I refrained from kneeing Jamie in some sensitive spot, and contented myself instead
with an attempt to turn him into stone with my eyes, ala Medusa. He
appeared not to notice, distracted by Germain, who was now dancing in little circles
while singing theme and variations on my initial French expression, to the tune
of Row, Row, Row your boat. Father Donahue was going bright pink with
the effort of pretending that he didnt understand any French.
Tais-toi, cretin, Jamie said, reaching into his sporran. He
said it amiably enough, but with the tone of one whose expectation of being obeyed
is so absolute as not to admit of question. Germain stopped abruptly, mouth open,
and Jamie promptly thumbed a sweetie into it. Germain shut his mouth and began
concentrating on the matter at hand, songs forgotten. I reached for
the kettle, using a handful of my hem again as pot-holder. Jamie bent, picked
up a sturdy twig, and hooked the handle of the kettle neatly from my hand with
it. Voila! he said, presenting it. Merci,
I said, with a distinct lack of gratitude. Nonetheless, I accepted the stick and
set off toward the nearest rivulet, smoking kettle borne before me like a lance.
Reaching a rock-studded pool, I dropped the kettle with a clang, and--the
hail having stopped--ripped off the mobcap, flung it into a clump of sedge and
stamped on it, leaving a large, muddy footprint on the linen. I
didna mean to say it wasna flattering, Sassenach, said an amused voice behind
me. I raised a cold brow in his direction. You didnt
mean to say it was flattering, did you? No. It makes
ye look like a poisonous toadstool. Much better without, he assured me.
He pulled me toward him and bent to kiss me. Its not that
I dont appreciate the thought, I said, and the tone of my voice stopped
him, a fraction of an inch from my mouth. But one inch farther and I think
I might just bite a small piece out of your lip. Moving like a
man who has just realized that the stone he has casually picked up is in actuality
a wasps nest, he straightened up and very, very slowly, took his hands off
my waist. Oh, he said, and tilted his head to one side,
lips pursed as he surveyed me. Ye do look a bit frazzled, at that,
Sassenach. No doubt this was true, but it made me feel like bursting
into tears to hear it. Evidently the urge showed, because he took me-- very gently--by
the hand, and led me to a large rock. Sit, he said. Close
your eyes, a nighean donn. Rest yourself a moment. I sat,
eyes closed and shoulders slumped. Sloshing noises and a muted clang announced
that he was cleaning and filling the kettle. He set the filled kettle
at my feet with a soft clunk, then eased himself down on the leaves beside it,
where he sat quietly. I could hear the faint sigh of his breath, and the occasional
sniff and rustle as he wiped a dripping nose on his sleeve. Im
sorry, I said at last, opening my eyes. He turned, half-smiling,
to look up at me. For what, Sassenach? Its not as though
yeve refused my bed--or at least I hope its not come to that yet.
The thought of making love just at the moment was absolutely at the
bottom of my list, but I returned the half-smile. No, I
said ruefully. After two weeks of sleeping on the ground, I wouldnt
refuse anyones bed. His eyebrows went up at that, and I laughed,
taken off-guard. No, I said again. Im just...frazzled.
Something griped low in my belly, and proceeded to twist. I grimaced, and pressed
my hands over the pain. Oh! he said again, in sudden understanding.
That kind of frazzled. That kind of frazzled,
I agreed dryly. I poked at the kettle with one toe. Id better take
that back; I need to boil water so I can steep some willow-bark. It takes a long
time. It did; it would take an hour or more, by which time the cramps would
be considerably worse. The hell with willow-bark, he said,
producing a silver flask from the recesses of his shirt. Try this. At least
ye dinna need to boil it first I unscrewed the stopper and inhaled.
Whisky, and very good whisky, too. I love you, I said sincerely,
and he laughed. I love ye too, Sassenach, he said, and gently
touched my foot. I took a mouthful and let it trickle down the back
of my throat. It seeped pleasantly through my mucous membranes, hit bottom and
rose up in a puff of soothing, amber-colored smoke that filled all my crevices
and began to extend warm, soothing tendrils round the source of my discomfort.
Oooooo, I said, sighing, and taking another sip. I closed
my eyes, the better to appreciate it. An Irishman of my acquaintance had once
assured me that very good whisky could raise the dead. I wasnt disposed
to argue the point. Thats wonderful, I said, when
I opened my eyes again. Where did you get it? This was twenty-year-old
Scotch, if I knew anything about it--a far cry from the raw spirit that Jamie
had been distilling on the ridge behind the house. Jocasta,
he said. It was meant to be a wedding-gift for Brianna and her young man,
but I thought ye needed it more. Youre right about
that. We sat in a companionable silence, and I sipped slowly,
the urge to run amok and slaughter everyone in sight gradually subsiding, along
with the level of whisky in the flask. The rain had moved off again,
and the foliage dripped peacefully around us. There was a stand of fir trees near;
I could smell the cool scent of their resin, pungent and clean above the heavier
smell of wet, dead leaves, smoldering fires, and soggy fabrics. Its
been three months since the last of your courses, Jamie observed casually.
I thought theyd maybe stopped. I was always a trifle
taken aback to realize how acutely he observed such things--but he was a farmer
and a husbandman, after all. He was intimately acquainted with the gynecological
history and estrus cycle of every female animal he owned; I supposed there was
no reason to think hed make an exception simply because I was not likely
either to farrow or come in heat. Its not like a tap that
just switches off, you know, I said, rather crossly. Unfortunately.
It just gets rather erratic and eventually it stops, but you havent any
idea when. Ah. He leaned forward, arms folded
across the tops of his knees, idly watching twigs and bits of leaf bobbing through
the riffles of the stream. Id think it would maybe be a
relief to have done wi it all. Less mess, aye? I repressed
the urge to draw invidious sexual comparisons regarding bodily fluids.
Maybe it will, I said. Ill let you know, shall I?
He smiled faintly, but was wise enough not to pursue the matter; he
could hear the edge in my voice. I sipped a bit more whisky. The sharp
cry of a woodpecker-- the kind Jamie called a yaffle--echoed deep in the woods
and then fell silent. Few birds were out in this weather; most simply huddled
under what shelter they could find, though I could hear the conversational quacking
of a small flock of migratory ducks somewhere downstream. They werent
bothered by the rain. Jamie stretched himself suddenly. Ah....Sassenach?
he said. What is it? I asked, surprised. He ducked
his head, uncharacteristically shy. I dinna ken whether Ive
done wrong or no, Sassenach, but if I have, I must ask your forgiveness.
Of course, I said, a little uncertainly. What was I forgiving
him for? Probably not adultery, but it could be just about anything else, up to
and including assault, arson, highway robbery and blasphemy. God, I hoped it wasnt
anything to do with Bonnet. What have you done?
Well, as to myself, nothing, he said, a little sheepishly. Its
only what Ive said youd do. Oh?
I said, with minor suspicion. And whats that? If you told Farquard
Campbell that Id visit his horrible old mother again...
Oh, no, he assured me. Nothing like that. I promised Josiah
Beardsley that yed maybe take out his tonsils today, though.
That Id what? I goggled at him. Id met Josiah
Beardsley, a youth with the worst-looking set of abscessed tonsils Id ever
seen, the day before. Id been sufficiently impressed by the pustulant state
of his adenoids, in fact, to have described them in detail to all and sundry over
dinner--causing Lizzie to go green round the gills and give her second potato
to Germain--and had mentioned at the time that surgery was really the only possible
effective cure. I hadnt expected Jamie to go drumming up business, though.
Why? I asked. Jamie rocked back a little, looking
up at me. I want him, Sassenach. You do?
What for? Josiah was barely fourteen--or at least he thought he was fourteen;
he wasnt really sure when hed been born and his parents had died too
long ago to say. He was under- sized even for fourteen, and badly-nourished, with
legs slightly bowed from rickets. He also showed evidence of assorted parasitic
infections, and wheezed with what might be tuberculosis, or merely a bad case
of bronchitis. A tenant, of course. Oh?
Id have thought you had more applicants than you can handle, as it is.
I didnt just think so; I knew so. We had absolutely no money,
though the trade Jamie had done at the Gathering had just about--not quite--cleared
our indebtedness to several of the Cross Creek merchants for iron-mongery, rice,
tools, salt, and other small items. We had land in plenty--most of it forest--but
no means to assist people to settle on it or farm it. The Chisholms and McGillivrays
were stretching well past our limits, in terms of acquiring new tenantry.
Jamie merely nodded, dismissing these complications. Aye.
Josiahs a likely lad, though. Hm, I said dubiously.
It was true that the boy seemed tough--which was likely what Jamie meant by likely
; simply to have survived this long by himself was evidence of that. Maybe
so. So are lots of others. Whats he got that makes you want him specially?
Hes fourteen. I looked at him, one brow
raised in question, and his mouth twisted in a wry smile. Any
man between sixteen and sixty must serve in the militia, Sassenach.
I felt a small, unpleasant contraction in the pit of my stomach. I hadnt
forgotten the Governors unwelcome summons, but what with one thing and another,
I hadnt had the leisure to reflect on exactly what the practical consequences
of it were likely to be. Jamie sighed and stretched out his arms, flexing
his knuckles until they cracked. So youll do it? I
asked. Form a militia company and go? I must,
he said simply. Tryons got my ballocks in his hand, and Im no
inclined to see whether hell squeeze, aye? I was afraid
of that. Jamies picturesque assessment of the situation
was unfortunately accurate. Looking for a loyal and competent man willing to undertake
the settlement of a large section of wild backcountry, Governor Tryon had offered
Jamie a Royal grant of land just east of the Treaty Line, with no requirement
of quitrent for a period of ten years. A fair offer, though given the difficulties
of settlement in the mountains, not quite so generous as it might have looked.
The catch was that holders of such grants were legally required to be
white Protestant males of good character, above the age of thirty. And while Jamie
met the other requirements, Tryon was well aware of his Catholicism.
Do as the Governor required, and...well, the Governor was a successful politician;
he knew how to keep his mouth shut about inconvenient matters. Defy him, though,
and it would take no more than a simple letter from New Bern to deprive Frasers
Ridge of its resident Frasers. Hm. So youre thinking that
if you take the available men from the Ridge--cant you leave out a few?
I havena got so many to start with, Sassenach, he pointed
out. I can leave Fergus, because of his hand, and Mr. Wemyss to look after
our place. Hes a bond-servant, so far as anyone knows, and only freemen
are obliged to join the militia. And only able-bodied men.
That lets out Joanna Grants husband; hes got a wooden foot.
He nodded. Aye, and old Arch Bug, whos seventy
if hes a day. Thats four men--and maybe eight boys under sixteen--to
look after thirty homesteads and more than a hundred and fifty people.
The women can probably manage fairly well by themselves, I said.
Its winter, after all; no crops to deal with. And there shouldnt
be any difficulties with the Indians, not these days. My ribbon had come
loose when I pulled off the cap. Hair was escaping from its undone plaits in every
direction, straggling down my neck in damp, curly strands. I pulled the ribbon
off and tried to comb my hair out with my fingers. Whats
so important about Josiah Beardsley, anyway? I asked. Surely one fourteen-year-old
boy cant make so much difference. Beardsleys
a hunter, Jamie answered, and a good one. He brought in nearly two-hundred-weight
of wolf, deer, and beaver- skins to the Gathering--all taken by himself alone,
he said. I couldna do better, myself. That was a true encomium,
and I pursed my lips in silent appreciation. Hides were the main--in fact, the
only--winter crop of any value in the mountains. We had no money now--not even
the paper proclamation money, worth only a fraction of sterling--and without hides
to sell in the spring, we were going to have difficulty getting the seed corn
and wheat we needed. And if all the men were required to spend a good part of
the winter tramping round the Colony subduing Regulators instead of hunting...
Most women on the Ridge could handle a gun, but almost none could hunt
effectively, as they were tethered to their homes by the needs of their children.
Even Bree, who was a very good hunter, could venture no more than half a days
travel away from Jemmy--not nearly far enough for wolf and beaver. I
rubbed a hand through my damp locks, fluffing out the loosened strands.
All right, I understand that part. Where do the tonsils come in, though?
Jamie looked up at me and smiled. Without answering at once, he got
to his feet and circled behind me. With a firm hand, he gathered in the fugitive
strands, captured the flying bits, and braided it into a tight, thick plait at
the base of my neck. He bent over my shoulder, plucked the ribbon from my lap,
and tied it neatly in a bow. There. He sat down by my feet
again. Now, as to the tonsils. Ye told the lad he must have them out, or
his throat would go from bad to worse. It will.
Josiah Beardsley had believed me. And, having come near death the winter
before when an abscess in his throat had nearly suffocated him before bursting,
he was not eager to risk another such occurrence. Youre
the only surgeon north of Cross Creek, Jamie pointed out. Who else
could do it? Well, yes, I said uncertainly. But...
So, Ive made the lad an offer, Jamie interrupted.
One section of land--wee Roger and myself will help him to put up a cabin
on it when the time comes--and hell go halves with me in whatever he takes
in the way of skins for the next three winters. Hes willing--provided youll
take out his tonsils as part o the bargain. But why
today? I cant take someones tonsils out here! I gestured at
the dripping forest. Why not? Jamie raised one eyebrow.
Did ye not say last night it was a small matter--only a few wee cuts wi
your smallest knife? I rubbed a knuckle under my nose, sniffing
with exasperation. Look, just because it isnt a massive
bloody job like amputating a leg doesnt mean its a simple matter!
It was, in fact, a relatively simple operation--surgically speaking. It was the
possibility of infection following the procedure, and the need for careful nursing--a
poor substitute for antibiotics, but much better than neglect--that raised complications.
I cant just whack out his tonsils and turn him loose,
I said. When we get back to the Ridge, though... He
doesna mean to come back with us directly, Jamie interrupted.
Why not? I demanded. He didna say; only that he had
a bit of business to do, and would come to the Ridge by the first week of December.
He can sleep in the loft above the herb-shed, he added. So
you--and he--expect me just to slash out his tonsils, put in a few stitches, and
see him on his merry way? I asked sardonically. Ye did nicely
wi the dog, he said, grinning. Oh, you heard about
that. Oh, aye. And the lad who chopped his foot with an
ax, and the bairns wi milk-rash, and Mrs. Buchanans tooth-ache, and
your battle wi Murray MacLeod over the gentlemans bile-ducts
It was
rather a busy morning. I shuddered briefly in remembrance, and took another
sip of whisky. The
whole Gathering is talking of ye, Sassenach. I did think of the Bible, in fact,
seeing all the crowd clamoring round ye this morning. The
Bible? I must have looked blank at the reference, because the grin got wider.
And
the whole multitude sought to touch him, Jamie quoted. For there went
virtue out of him, and healed them all. I
laughed ruefully, interrupting myself with a small hiccup. Fresh
out of virtue at the moment, Im afraid. Dinna
fash. Theres plenty in the flask. Thus
reminded, I offered him the whisky, but he waved it away, brows drawn down in
thought. Melting hail had left wet streaks in his hair, and it lay like ribbons
of melted bronze across his shoulders--like the statue of some military hero,
weathered and glistening in a public park. So
yell do the lads tonsils, once he comes to the Ridge? I
thought a moment, then nodded, swallowing. There would still be dangers in it,
and normally I wouldnt do purely elective surgery. But Josiahs condition
was truly dreadful, and the continued infections might well kill him eventually,
if I didnt take some steps to remedy it. Jamie
nodded, satisfied. Ill
see to it, then. My
feet had thawed, even wet as they were, and I was beginning to feel warm and pliable.
My belly still felt as though Id swallowed a large volcanic rock, but I
wasnt minding all that much. I
was wondering something, Sassenach, he said. Yes?
Speakin
of the Bible, ye ken. Got
Scripture on the brain today, have you? One
corner of his mouth curled up as he glanced at me. Aye,
well. Its only I was thinking. When the Angel of the Lord comes along to
Sarah and tells her shell have a bairn the next year, she laughs and says
thats a rare jest, as its ceased to be wi her after the manner
of women. Most
women in that situation likely wouldnt think it at all a funny idea,
I assured him. I often think Gods got a very peculiar sense of humor,
though. He
looked down at the large maple leaf he was shredding between thumb and forefinger,
but I caught the faint twitch of his mouth. Ive
thought that now and again myself, Sassenach, he said, rather dryly. Be
that as it may, she did have the bairn, aye? The
Bible says she did. Im not going to call the book of Genesis a liar.
I debated the wisdom of drinking more, but decided to save it for a rainy--well,
a rainier--day, and put the stopper back in the flask. I could hear a certain
amount of stirring in the direction of the campsite, and my ears caught a word
of inquiry, borne on the chilly breeze. Someones
looking for Himself, I said. Again. Himself
glanced over his shoulder and grimaced slightly, but made no immediate move to
answer the call. He cleared his throat, and I saw a faint flush move up the side
of his neck. Well,
the point is, he said, carefully not looking at me, that so far as
I ken, if your names not Mary and the Holy Ghost isna involved in the matter,
theres only the one way of getting wi child. Am I right? So
far as I know, yes. I put a hand over my mouth to stifle a rising hiccup.
Aye.
And if so...well, that must mean that Sarah was still bedding wi Abraham
at the time, no? He
still wasnt looking at me, but his ears had gone pink, and I belatedly realized
the point of this religious discussion. I reached out a toe and prodded him gently
in the side. You
were thinking perhaps I wouldnt want you anymore? Ye
dinna want me now, he pointed out logically, eyes on the crumbled
remains of his leaf. I
feel as though my belly is full of broken glass, Im half- soaked and mud
to the knees, and whoevers looking for you is about to burst through the
shrubbery with a pack of bloodhounds at any moment, I said, with a certain
amount of asperity. Are you actually inviting me to participate in carnal
revelry with you in that mound of soggy leaves? Because if you are... No,
no, he said hastily. I didna mean now. I only meant-- I was only wondering
if-- The tips of his ears had gone a dull red. He stood up abruptly, brushing
dead leaves from his kilt with exaggerated force. If,
I said in measured tones, you were to get me with child at this point in
the proceedings, Jamie Fraser, I would have your balls en brochette.
I rocked back, looking up at him. As for bedding with you, though...
He stopped
what he was doing and looked at me. I smiled at him, letting what I thought show
plainly on my face. Once
you have a bed again, I said, I promise I wont refuse it.
Oh,
he said. He drew a deep breath, looking suddenly quite happy. Well, thats
all right, then. Its only--I wondered, ye ken. A
sudden loud rustling in the shrubbery was followed by the appearance of Mr. Wemyss,
whose thin, anxious face poked out of a nannyberry bush. Oh,
its yourself, sir, he said, in evident relief. I
suppose it must be, Jamie said, in resignation. Is there a difficulty,
Mr. Wemyss? Mr.
Wemyss was delayed in answering, having become inextricably entangled with the
nannyberry bush, and I was obliged to go and help release him. A one-time book-keeper
who had been obliged to sell himself as an indentured servant, Mr. Wemyss was
highly unsuited to life in the wilderness. I
do apologize for troubling ye, sir, he said, rather red in the face. He
picked nervously at a spiny twig that had caught in his fair, flyaway hair. Its
only--well, she did say as she meant to cleave him from crown to crutch wi
her ax if he didna leave off, and he said no woman would speak to him in that
manner, and she does have an ax... Accustomed
to Mr. Wemysss methods of communication, Jamie sighed, reached out for the
whisky flask, uncorked it, and took a deep, sustaining swig. He lowered the flask
and fixed Mr. Wemyss with a gimlet eye. Who? he demanded. Oh!
Er...did I not say? Rosamund Lindsay and Ronnie Sinclair. Mmphm.
Not
good news; Rosamund Lindsay did have an ax; she was roasting several pigs
in a pit near the creek, over hickory embers. She also weighed nearly two hundred
pounds and while normally good- humored, was possessed of a notable temper when
roused. For his part, Ronnie Sinclair was entirely capable of irritating the Angel
Gabriel, let alone a woman trying to cook in the rain. Jamie
sighed and handed the flask back to me. He squared his shoulders, shaking droplets
from his plaid as he settled it. Go
and tell them Im coming, Mr. Wemyss, he said. Mr.
Wemysss thin face expressed the liveliest apprehension at thought of coming
within speaking range of Rosamund Lindsays ax, but his awe of Jamie was
even greater. He bobbed a quick, neat bow, turned, and blundered straight into
the nannyberry bush again. A
wail like an approaching ambulance betokened the appearance of Marsali, Joan in
her arms. She plucked a clinging branch from Mr. Wemysss coat-sleeve, nodding
to him as she stepped carefully round him. Da,
she said, without preamble. Yeve got to come. Father Kenneths
been arrested. |